Friday, January 10, 2014

Approaching One Year

So it is 2014...

A lot has happened in almost one year. We moved to Stephenville from Clovis. We have officially been in Stephenville for over a year now. Michael started working for the family company. I got a job in the school district. We celebrated my sister's baby shower. My dad died. Hanna was born (which has been a blessing). I honestly thought things would have been a lot different in the past year. I have learned a lot about myself, and others. I have learned who is really there for you in the time of need. It is actually quite surprising who will continually be there to support you when times are tough. I have mentioned in a previous post about how we forget about what others are going through. I have realized while grieving who is really here for me and who is not.

I do not want to make this post totally about the death of my dad, but so much of this past year has been just that. He still consumes every day of my life. My lock screen on my iPhone is a wedding photo of him kissing my cheek. I absolutely cannot fathom the day I forget to think about him. I thought with moving back to Texas I would have more time to spend with my family, but with my dad dying, just the opposite has happened. It is hard talking with my mom. I feel the conversation is strained. It is hard going back home. When going back home and hearing the phone ring, my first thought is, "Oh dad must be calling to say he is on his way home". So much of my grieving process has been away from my family. They spend so much more time together they have more so grasped that he is not coming home. I, however, have not. I read in a recent post on the internet, with the death of their son, they are waiting for that hallmark moment, where someone says something encouraging to them and they feel better. I do not think a moment like that will ever come. When you unexpectedly lose someone, no "hallmark moment" can make it better. I will think of my dad everyday for the rest of my life. Or at least I hope I do. I do not want a day to go by that I do not think of him. He is a person I aspire to be. I want to be someone so selfless that they would do anything for their family if it made them happy. That was my dad.

I want to apologize to everybody for how selfish I have become. This is not someone who I wanted to become. Losing someone important to you changes you. I am someone who hates who they have become.

This year I want to become less selfish and more selfless.

As I write the last of this post a familiar song came on my Pandora... 

"What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in."

I hope I can be someone you are proud of, Daddy. I love you,