Tuesday, July 9, 2013

If wishes were horses I'd have a lot of horses...

One of my favorite bloggers to follow is Jenny Lawson who wrote the book Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir). She has bit of a crude sense of humor, but she is real and she is honest. Her post today struck me, here it is:

The selfish things I wish for most often:
I wish I were a little less scared.
I wish I were a little less sad.
I wish I’d mastered subjunctives well enough to definitively know if I used “were” correctly in the previous two sentences.
Your turn.  What do you wish for?  (You cannot wish for world peace or for more wishes or give your wishes away.  So,really…what small – or large- thing do you wish for right this very moment?)
I should mention I also follow her on Facebook. In her post on Facebook, referring to the posts people made for wishes, she says "Some are clever & funny, some are simple & true, some are heartbreaking. People are so much deeper than we imagine, and they're fighting battles we never see."
It got me thinking about my daily struggles and wishes. I know, I know, sorry for the depressing blog posts. Face to face talking about what happened still is not easy. I laugh and make jokes about my dad, but when it comes down to the realness of it all, it is hard. Harder than I ever imagined this to be. We found out a while back what caused my dad's death; heart attack. Growing up, whenever we were sick, or even just a hint of sick, my dad rushed us into the doctor's office first thing. He was a bit of a germ freak. Ok, not a bit, A LOT of a germ freak. Anytime anything was wrong, we were at the doctor. Which is why what I am about to talk about it so frustrating and infuriating. My dad had been feeling "off" the whole day. He came home complaining of neck pain and a headache. He had taken medicine all day and still was not feeling well. He went to bed early that night, mentioning he was feeling better, but to never wake up the next morning. I WISH he had gone to the doctor. I WISH he was not so stubborn when it came to his own health and well-being. I WISH he, for once, had put himself first, ahead of everyone/everything else. I WISH my daddy was still here. I WISH I could hug him, kiss him, tell him thank you for everything he has ever done for me, and tell him I love him. 
Every day of this journey is different. My mood can switch instantly. I can have a good day, but hear a song that reminds me of him and my day is shattered. Not a day has gone by I have not thought of him, which is hard, but I am also afraid for the day I do not think of him. I do not ever want to forget him. 
This post was not supposed to be about just my wishes, or my dad. It got me thinking about the struggles other people in this world are dealing with. If you looked at me on the street, you would not know I am grieving the death of my father. So when someone you encounter may not be the most pleasant, just think about how maybe they are going through something you could not possibly know anything about. You never know. Simple... you just... never know. I have my bad days. While I do not mean to take it out on other people, some days are just not as easy as others. I know I can be a complete jerk to people I don't know, even people I do know. Mad props to my husband as I know I have not been an easy person to be around. 
Anyway, Daddy, I love you. I miss you terribly. I'll see you in my dreams. 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Your Memory Is My Keepsake

I would like to start off by saying "thank you" to everyone who has reached out to me and my family during our time of loss. Your thoughts and prayers are beyond appreciated and y'all have been a Godsend through all of this. 

I still do not really know what to say, or think, so I often stay quiet. My daddy was the first man I ever loved. He was the sweetest, most generous, most selfless man I have ever known. I miss him everyday and my heart still drops to the pit of my stomach when he enters my thoughts, which is numerous times a day... I am confused, mad; mad at myself, mad at him, mad at God, sad, and completely and utterly lost.

 (I apologize if this post seems all over the place. I am just thinking and typing. And I still do not really know what to say. I am truly at a loss of words in my grief.)

I honestly never thought about losing my dad, or anyone else I love for that matter. I thought my dad would live to meet his grandchildren and be just as wonderful a grandfather as he was a father. He was supposed to come with my mom and visit me and Michael in Stephenville. We were going to eat at Grady's Line Camp Restaurant. He has been wanting to try that place for ages because he has Chef Grady Spears' cookbook. We will still eat at the restaurant, and I am sure I will shed tears because he will not be there the way I want him to be there... 

I am going to end with this:

Your memory is my keepsake with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart. 

And again, thank you for all of your love and support.