Our Decision To Start A Family

Michael and I decided last September we wanted to try and start a family. Little did we know that we would get pregnant our first month of trying. I joked with Michael about how excited I was that “I'm a fertile myrtle!” We were beyond ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant in our first month of actually trying. I started looking on Pinterest for nursery ideas, mom tips, just everything you look forward to when you start to plan for the arrival of your baby. I even took my very first “belly” photo at a mere 5 weeks pregnant. Little did we also know how common miscarriage is. Which is just what miscarriage is... common. About 1 in every 3 women experience miscarriage and I was now that statistic of 1 in 3. We knew we were pregnant for one week before we lost the baby. Miscarriage is not something you think about when you find out you are pregnant. The last thing you expect to see when you go to the bathroom is that streak of red on your toilet paper. I may have only known for one week, but I loved that baby, and I was crushed. If you have ever experienced miscarriage, it is nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. It happens, unfortunately. We learn to accept it (as much as we can) and we keep going. Now that may make it sound like I am saying miscarriage is easy and that it does not make you sad. I am not saying that at all. It is not something you just get over, just like the death of a family member or friend you have known for years. You do not get over it, you just learn to accept it, as much as you can. There were plenty of nights where I cried myself to sleep. Having to get up from my desk at work to go cry in the bathroom. Even as I type this my eyes are welling up with tears. It is still something you do not forget. There was still life inside of you and it was instantly taken away from you. 

Through all of this Michael and I have become that much stronger of a couple and felt ready as ever to tackle anything that may come our way. This is why we decided miscarriage was not going to stop us from starting the family we both want. After another 3 months of trying we found out once again that we were pregnant. This time, there were no tears of happiness or jumping and hugging. There was anxiety. Tremendous amounts of anxiety. Of course we were still ecstatic we were expecting another baby, but every time I sat down to use the restroom my heart would stop. Every little ache or pain made me panic. My anxiety caused me to break out into hives/rash on my back, chest, arms, and legs. Google is your worst enemy when you are pregnant and have experienced miscarriage. NEVER trust people on the internet! It was not until our first sonogram at 8 weeks that my rash subsided. Leading up to that appointment I kept wondering "what if nothing shows up on the screen", but sure enough... there was our little baby with an active heartbeat of 168 beats per minute. Now the rate of miscarriage drops tremendously, but I was still anxious until our 12 weeks appointment, and then until our 16 week appointment. The anxiety lessened with each appointment now I am trying to enjoy everything that is to come our way. We are having a baby BOY! And so far he is perfectly healthy. Becoming a mom (soon) and being pregnant has been one of the most rewarding feelings and I cannot imagine how I am going to feel once our little guy is here. The love I have for him is already overflowing. 

Besides the anxiety I have had a very smooth pregnancy so far. I was only nauseous for about 2-3 weeks. I only threw up once (which was at my mom's house when nobody knew we were pregnant yet). I did have food aversions for several weeks where I could not stand the smell of eggs, sausage, or chicken. I actually had to leave the house one day when Michael was cooking eggs. It was overwhelming and made me want to hurl. I pretty much dream every night and they are crazy weird dreams. My fatigue is getting better. I can actually pick myself up off the couch and do laundry, dishes, or cook dinner. The naps are not near as frequent. I wear maternity pants now to accommodate my growing bump. I think I have even begun to start feeling the little guy move. It just feels like little "pops" in my belly. It is an amazing feeling. 

Approaching One Year

So it is 2014...

A lot has happened in almost one year. We moved to Stephenville from Clovis. We have officially been in Stephenville for over a year now. Michael started working for the family company. I got a job in the school district. We celebrated my sister's baby shower. My dad died. Hanna was born (which has been a blessing). I honestly thought things would have been a lot different in the past year. I have learned a lot about myself, and others. I have learned who is really there for you in the time of need. It is actually quite surprising who will continually be there to support you when times are tough. I have mentioned in a previous post about how we forget about what others are going through. I have realized while grieving who is really here for me and who is not.

I do not want to make this post totally about the death of my dad, but so much of this past year has been just that. He still consumes every day of my life. My lock screen on my iPhone is a wedding photo of him kissing my cheek. I absolutely cannot fathom the day I forget to think about him. I thought with moving back to Texas I would have more time to spend with my family, but with my dad dying, just the opposite has happened. It is hard talking with my mom. I feel the conversation is strained. It is hard going back home. When going back home and hearing the phone ring, my first thought is, "Oh dad must be calling to say he is on his way home". So much of my grieving process has been away from my family. They spend so much more time together they have more so grasped that he is not coming home. I, however, have not. I read in a recent post on the internet, with the death of their son, they are waiting for that hallmark moment, where someone says something encouraging to them and they feel better. I do not think a moment like that will ever come. When you unexpectedly lose someone, no "hallmark moment" can make it better. I will think of my dad everyday for the rest of my life. Or at least I hope I do. I do not want a day to go by that I do not think of him. He is a person I aspire to be. I want to be someone so selfless that they would do anything for their family if it made them happy. That was my dad.

I want to apologize to everybody for how selfish I have become. This is not someone who I wanted to become. Losing someone important to you changes you. I am someone who hates who they have become.

This year I want to become less selfish and more selfless.

As I write the last of this post a familiar song came on my Pandora... 

"What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in."

I hope I can be someone you are proud of, Daddy. I love you,